Getting Started on the Honesty Road

Day one

30 days of truth.

So before I start on this one and the list is long I feel I need to explain a little something first. Although the following list is true and honest I happen to be on a new journey in life, so this challenge has come just at the right time as I'm at the beginning of finding my Authentic Self  and this will help me dig deep and be honest with myself. But it also means that although this is the person I am today I am really hoping that as I move forward on my new path I leave some of these characteristics behind.

Okay so I spent a good part of yesterday and today thinking about all the things I hate (dislike) about myself  and boy the list just kept getting longer so I guess I'll start by just writing a list.

. I hate that I can't let go of the past. This is a biggy for me it has and still is causing me a lot of pain and I have made many bad choices and decisions because of it. I won't go into to much detail right now but my husband and I have known each other for nearly  23 years I first dated him when I was 17 but we have only been married for 11years.

First it's the events of our first break up that has me going over and over the past. Mike did not treat me well during this time I hear you saying why didn't I just walk away I tried oh how I tried I even moved away but it seems that God  had other plans for us after all we are married now (Just).

Second there are times in our marriage that I feel Mike has really let me down. I never did have the chance to do the nesting thing when I was pregnant with our first baby. I had made the curtains and bedding and all the accessories for the nursery myself  but Mike never did get the nursery done, not until Tallon was born. Lucky I was in hospital for 5 days and friends of ours came round and got the room ready.

This is sad but the list goes on and I really don't want to dwell on these times. This will be something I hope to leave behind soon.

. I hate that I am so indecisive. I am just awful at making decisions perhaps because I've made some real stinkers in the past.

. I hate that I'm so undisciplined. I can take hours and so much care over say a new routine for me and the family and I know it's for the best but it doesn't take long before I slip back to my old ways.

.I hate that I am so disorganised this is for most things in my life how I manage to get the kids to school on time I have no idea.

. I hate that I'm a when and then person. You know when that happens I'll then do that. A good example of this is our house is on the market at the moment we had sold it (it's all fallen through now) so I was going to start this blog when we moved. So I guess you could say that I've already started to work on this one.

. I hate that I'm useless when it comes to birthdays I have all good intentions on making sure birthday cards get to the person on time or that I get the present all wrapped up ready for the visit but the truth is I don't and it's always late and I'm still wrapping present in the car on the way to whoever birthday it is. I'M USELESS!

. I hate that I have spent the last six, seven years being so negative. My family are very negative people, I thought I was different and may be once I was but taking a good look at myself  I have become a very negative, glass half empty kinda gal and I don't like what it has done to me and my family.

So out of all this the thing I hate most about me is that I have taken so long to realise that life is good, no fantastic but the good thing is that it's not to late to make some changes.

Wow after all that soul searching and honesty I feel a little sad so here's one from the past. Three little rays of sunshine and three reasons to be grateful.

I hope I did okay on this one I'm not a writer and sometimes I find it hard to get my words down on paper.

The Truth Challange.

Wow this is big!

Whilst blog surfing the other day I came across a great blog Live Beautiful, Courtney is a fantastic writer.

She has done this great post and has invited anyone who wishes to join her in the 30 day truth challenge.

For the next 30 days I have to be truthful about the following questions.

 I'll probably stumble at the first hurdle and take longer than 30 days to do the challenge.

 It's taken me a few days to decide whether I was going to take the challenge or not.

Now I have and I want to make sure I do a good job, I want to be honest especially to myself.

It's not going to be easy but I want to do it as part of the new path I'm on, a journey in which I hope to find my authentic self.

So I'm off now to think about the first question and hopefully I'll be back tomorrow with a honest and sincere post.

Day 1: Something you hate about yourself. Day 2: Something you love about yourself.
Day 3: Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 4: Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 5: Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 6: Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 7: Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 8: Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 9: Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10: Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11: Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12: Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13: A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14: A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15: Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16: Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17: A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18: Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19: What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20: Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21: (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22: Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23: Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24: Make a play list to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25: The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26: Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27: What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28: What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29: Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30: A letter to yourself: tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.


I'll probably stumble at the first hurdle and take longer than 30 days to do the challenge.

Now I have decided to go ahead with the challenge I'm a little bit scared and nervous. You see I want to do a good job and be totally honest especially to myself.
It will be hard but I want to do it as part of the quest in my journey to finding my Authentic self.

Well that's it for tonight I'm off to think about the first days challenge.

Sleep tight don't let the bed bugs bite. X

Good Times!

Spur of the moment

After a week of illness and staying couped up in doors I decided on the spur of the moment to take the kiddes out for little fresh air and where else to go but my favourite National Trust garden.

Stourhead

 It's always beautiful here but I do believe that Autumn has to be my favourite time of year or is that just because it is Autumn because I'm sure when Winter, Spring and Summer are here I feel the same way about those seasons.

We had such a fantastic time looking for all the different shapes of  leaves, running and kicking through all the fallen leaves and reading the ghost story, yes that's right we were given the story to read as we walked around the gardens it made it all the more exciting.

(Tallon reading the ghost story to Lily and Flynn)

yes the story was really scary..Hee Hee.

(although Lily always looks pretty pale she's my English Rose).

( Thank you Tallon for Flynn's little bunny ears).

For a impromptu afternoon out a great time was had by us all.



Today (for yesterday) I would like to say a big Thank You to the couple who had the time to stop and talk to the children about all the beautiful colours and the leaves and to the young couple with the little baby who stopped and let my three tell them all about the slimy creature hiding behind the lady in the Grotto.

Happiness and Abundance

We all need gratitude reminders of those little things to help us keep on track to remember to stop and appreciate all the blessings in our life's.

If you could only choose one thing to work on in your life that would bring you happiness and abundance what would it be?
For me it would be learning to be grateful so from now on I'll work on my gratitude.

Like most people my life has been a journey of ups and downs but over the last few years there has been a lot more sadness, disappointment and anger than joy, happiness and pleasure. A few weeks ago I hit rock bottom after spilling a cup of tea. I fell to the floor with my head in my hands and cried and cried and cried I had no idea why I was crying it was just a cup of tea. Then something happened not sure what but it felt like I had been hit. I picked myself up and decided I had two choices the first was I could end it all (yes it was that bad) or I could go and make myself another cup of tea and start to climb out of the hole I had fallen into and as I'm sat here typing this I guess you know which choice I went for.

So much has changed since that day, I really did start to climb out of the hole I also did a lot of soul searching, it was during these moments that I realised that a good deal of my unhappiness and anger I only had myself to blame for I had made my own mistakes and had choose my own paths which had lead my to that dark place.

So it is here I start my personal journey to Happiness and Abundance.

I hope you will join me in my travels.

 If the only prayer you ever say in your entire life is "Thank You" it will be enough.

                                                                                                       Meister Eckehart.

Today I'm grateful for:

Not having to do the school run

Not having to cook tonight

(Pizza night)

For having some quiet me time

(Thank you kids).